How to Roll Eggs While Others Starve

Nothing says leadership like rolling eggs on a lawn while people skip meals!

This weekend 30,000 hard-boiled eggs will be rolling across White House lawn, while millions of Americans navigate soaring grocery prices, shrinking aid, and the quiet erosion of dignity. To the untrained eye, it may look like tradition. To the faithful among us—those who have tithed in dollars, optics, and plausible deniability—it is nothing short of a holy masterclass in symbolic wealth deployment.

And so, in preparation for this sacred performance 🐣🇺🇸, Our Church of P.R.O.F.I.T. reminds all our members of the Our 5-Step Guide to Maintaining the Holy Gap™—a ritual guide based on scripture and time-tested best practices from former members.

🥚 Step 1:

Preserve Public Rituals of Abundance, No Matter the Cost

💸 from Former Member Saint Marie of Versailles (France, 1700s), Patron Saint of Pageantry & Sugar-Coated Disconnect

Marie Antoinette, Queen of France and an early mega-donor to The Church, was famous for living in a literal palace while her people starved. She had golden hair, diamond shoes (probably), and a strict belief in the importance of optics over bread. When peasants begged for food, she allegedly said, “Let them eat cake!”—which in Church terms means: “Let them eat the illusion of abundance.”

Her legacy teaches us that if you give people a show, they might not notice they’ve skipped dinner.

📖 Modern Ministry Application: Host massive, camera-ready public events—like rolling 30,000 hard-boiled eggs across the lawn of national government buildings—while everyday families can’t afford a dozen. The bigger the gap between celebration and reality, the more divine the signal!

💡 Helpful Hints:

• If someone calls your event “out of touch,” remind them you’re honoring tradition. Then hand them a commemorative egg they can’t afford to fry.

🥣 Step 2:

Cut Off Aid, Call It Motivation

💸 from Former Member: Brother Joseph of House Stalin (Soviet Union, 1930s), The Divine Distributor of Forced Fasting

Joseph Stalin ruled the Soviet Union and was deeply committed to the Church’s early teachings on weaponizing scarcity. During the Ukrainian famine, he took food away from farmers, sold it elsewhere, and told everyone it was their fault they were starving. Meanwhile, he and his friends ate like royalty. His greatest innovation was branding hunger as laziness.

He showed us that when the people suffer, you don’t need to feed them—you just need to feed them a narrative.

📖 Modern Ministry Application: Cut food assistance programs, like SNAP, and say it’s to “encourage self-reliance.” Frame budget cuts as “freedom.” If people can’t afford groceries, tell them this builds character.

💡 Helpful Hints:

1. Pair every announcement with a motivational quote about resilience.

2. Bonus blessings if it’s printed on a reusable grocery bag no one can fill.

📈 Step 3:

Let Food Prices Soar (Then Blame Nature or Labor)

💸 from Former Member: Supreme Gastronomic Minister Kim Jong-Il (North Korea, 1990s), Revered Overseer of Elevated Appetites

Kim Jong-Il was the leader of North Korea and a culinary prophet of elite excess. While his people were literally eating weeds to survive, he had fresh lobster flown in every day from Japan. He had private chefs, a wine cellar, and multiple palaces. All while the public was told to be grateful for boiled bark. He reminded us that leaders eat differently for a reason—because it shows who’s winning.

📖 Modern Ministry Application: When eggs hit $9/dozen, shrug. Blame “the flu,” or “truck drivers,” or “vibes.” Do not solve the problem. Scarcity sharpens the power dynamic.

💡 Helpful Hints:

• Call inflation “a spiritual teacher.”

• Suggest underserved communities rediscover ancient cooking techniques, like “not eating.”

🤲 Step 4:

Starve the Safety Nets

💸 from Former Member: Baron Andrew of House Carnegie (United States, 1880s), High Treasurer of Trickled Mercy

Andrew Carnegie was a steel tycoon and Church megatither who believed you should only help people after you’ve underpaid them for decades. He made a fortune by cutting worker pay and crushing unions—but later donated libraries so people could read about what a great guy he was. He invented the holy practice of giving back, but only after you’ve taken most of it first.

He teaches us that a little public charity works best after a lot of private hoarding.

📖 Modern Ministry Application: Let food banks run dry. Then announce a branded donation campaign. If people suffer, it makes your generosity look even bigger.

💡 Helpful Hints:

• Host a black-tie gala to raise funds for school lunches you defunded earlier in the year. That’s called circular sanctification.

🚫🧪 STEP 5: Replace Science with Loyalty

🙏 from Former Member: Grand Cardinal Silencerius, Defender of Doctrine (via The Church v. Galileo, 1600s), Holy Keeper of Pre-Approved Truths

Galileo, a truth-teller with a telescope, tried to show the world that Earth revolved around the sun. But the Church at the time had its own celestial branding, and unfortunately, his facts didn’t align with the marketing strategy. So they labeled him a heretic, banned his books, and placed him under house arrest until he learned to stop asking questions. He was as we say today, "woke." A liberal agenda worse than Sesame Street or your local library!

His case reminds us: science is fine, as long as it agrees with the platform.

📖 Modern Ministry Application: Remove experts from agriculture, medicine, or food safety decisions. Appoint people who have good vibes and louder donors. Call it “commonsense reform.”

💡 Helpful Hints:

• If someone asks for peer-reviewed data, accuse them of doubting the economy and an anti-American agenda. Then invite them to a science-free egg summit, presented by your nephew’s supplement startup.

🙏 Final Benediction: Ceremony > Care

Let’s reflect. Just kidding! Don’t. (...see Commandment 9).

30,000 hard-boiled eggs =:

• 🥪 3,214 school lunches

• 🥫 1,814 days of SNAP meals

• ⏱ 1,552 hours of minimum wage work

• 👶 33 weeks of childcare

But they weren’t. They were used for lawn games. Because when faced with hunger or optics, we roll with optics every time.

“The wider the gap, the closer to God!”

💸💸💸

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