🏛️ Legacy League (History Rewriters Guild)

• April 2 — “Omission Commission” Scrapbooking Night

  • Bring your favorite textbooks to redact. Markers provided.

  • 📍Fellowship Hall | 🕕 6:30 PM

• April 18 — Book Burning & Spaghetti Dinner

  • Free garlic bread with every banned title. Gluten-free denial available upon request.

  • 📍South Parking Lot (weather permitting) | 🕖 7 PM

🤳 Obedient Influencer Society

• April 5 — Captioned Compliance™ Content Creation Workshop

  • Learn to convert your selfie game into surveillance. Includes bonus session: “Filters Over Facts.”

  • 📍Sanctuary Media Room | 🕙 10 AM

• April 21 — “Facts Don’t Trend” Speaker Series

  • Featuring anonymous quotes from people who once had "PhDs."

  • 📍Main Chapel | 🕣 8 PM

🧠 Next Gen Wellness

• April 8 — “Distrust Your Neighbor” Group Trust Fall

  • No one catches you. That’s the point.

  • 📍Youth Room | 🕕 6 PM

• April 23 — Mindful Misinformation Yoga

  • Find your inner peace through guided delusion.

  • 📍East Lawn (BYO misinformation mat) | 🧘‍♀️ 🕗 8 AM

🪙 Capital Servants Network

• April 11 — Greed is Good Friday

  • Networking brunch for those who are exploring Our ✈️ Flight-Risk Favorites™

  • 📍Private Room A (Members Only) | 🕤 9 AM

• April 30 — Crypto Revival & Tithing Testimony Slam

  • Nothing says salvation like digital speculation. BYO Wallet.

  • 📍Blessings & Blockchain Room | 🕖 7 PM

🍷 Platinum Prophet Circle

• April 13 — Vintner’s Vision Board & Communion Tasting

  • Pairing fine wines with fine justifications for hoarding.

  • 📍Tithing Lounge | 🕡 6:30 PM

• April 27 — Quiet Auction for Loud Influence

  • Bid on opportunities to speak over others at next Sunday’s sermon.

  • 📍Upper Balcony | 🕥 10 AM

🙌 General Congregation

• Every Sunday — Mass Market Worship

  • A service of algorithmic alignment and passive participation. Dress code: Aspiration casual.

  • 📍Main Hall | 🕤 9:00 & 11:00 AM

• April 25 — “Gaslight & Gospel” Youth Musical

  • Brought to you by the Next Gen Choir & the Ministry of Historical Flexibility™.

  • 📍Multipurpose Theater | 🎟️ $88 suggested donation | 🕓 4 PM

💸

💬 Questions? Doubts?

Please keep those to yourself or whisper them quietly into the Algorithmic Confession Booth.

🙏 To learn more about ministries available for our members: 9commandments.com/ministries

✈️ Flight-Risk Favorites™

Where Consequences Can’t Reach You, and Neither Can U.S. Jurisdiction!

At Our Church of P.R.O.F.I.T., we understand that sometimes spiritual expansion requires geographic reallocation. That’s why we’re proud to offer our members a curated selection of non-extradition sanctuaries—countries where local authorities politely look the other way and the sunsets are as golden as your offshore assets.

🌍 Featured Flight-Risk Favorites:

• United Arab Emirates – Great Wi-Fi. Zero questions.

• Maldives – Sand so fine, it erases digital footprints.

• Russia – Cold weather, warm welcome—for the right reasons.

• Vatican City – Diplomatic immunity meets divine ambiguity.

• China – Because sometimes capitalism needs to hide in plain sight.

• Switzerland – Alpine views and vaults for both your guilt and gold.

🛫

“Thou shalt not be extradited if thy location is blessed by low extradition probability and a decent exchange rate.”

— Profity 94:65

Whether you’re fleeing accountability, truth, or just pesky regulatory frameworks, our Flight-Risk Favorites™ ensure you’ll always have a soft landing.

💸 Praise be to loopholes.

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